I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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