Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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