Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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