My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
