She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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