Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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