We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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