My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
