the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
only if we run a train.
done.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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