You're earring is so big in my mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
