There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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