Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
