I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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