So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
