i used baking grease as lip gloss
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
