Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
