After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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