From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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