I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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