it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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