just come out here and I will go home with you...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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