Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
