$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
