ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
