Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
