I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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