I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize