my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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