bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
