; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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