There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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