My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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