i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Semen is not good for contacts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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