Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
