It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
