My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
