vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
