Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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