So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
