You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
