I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize