his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
