I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
