Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
