I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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