we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
