I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
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