Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
