i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
