Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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