What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
