Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
