If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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