I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
