My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
