Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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